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Episode 37: Just Two Brothers Pitching Horror Movie Ideas to Each Other

If you steal our ideas, we will SUE YOU TO OBLIVION!!

Brendan's Horror Movie Pitches

1: Ink

This is my B-horror film, but I think it’s got legs.

Open in an American military outpost in Afghanistan. There is gunfire and the sound of shelling outside. One soldier in an elite killing squad uses a contraband tattoo machine to ink up his friends. It is revealed that they all have the same tattoo to signify membership into this killing squad. Cut to a mission gone wrong, and the outpost is overtaken. All the members are killed but one. The tattoo gun is eventually discovered by the army and shipped back to the US.

A new tattooer buys it on eBay. He is our main character. And on his first tattoo the tattoo machine makes him perform better than expected BUT the insignia on the CANVAS ALSO happens.

Eventually you got the guy becoming super famous for his awesome tattoos BUT eventually every person who got tattooed becomes a fucking killing machine. Sorta like zombies but more like seriously mentally-wounded soldiers. It’s about PTSD MOTHERFUCKERS.

Culminates with a big showdown and a bunch of people get fucking iced.

2: Skunk Ape-NOT Harry and the Hendersons

It’s a Florida horror movie. It’s about FL farmer guy who wants to discover the skunk ape after his cattle are fucking killed in his Everglades farm. Cameras capture what appears to be a skunk ape killing his cattle. It’s fucking real.

People think he is nuts, but he has the footage and it is hard to dispute. He does more research, sets up more cameras, and he DOES spot another skunk ape, but this one looks different on camera. It is super scary, but he goes out tracking and finds the skunk ape, way out there in the glades, but it becomes clear that the skunk ape doesn’t eat meat. It’s like a gorilla in that it only eats vegetation. The man is able to track the skunk ape and see his habits. He realizes that the skunk ape isn’t a threat to his cattle, and that an evil developer is killing his cattle to get him off the land by dressing up as skunk apes and destroying his business.

Culminates in a scene of mutual understanding between real skunk ape and farmer (they bond over a dead family member and communicate through gestures), where they fucking kill a posse of developer stooges in an office building. There would be a great shot of the two of them rolling up to the HQ of the real estate developers. They get out of a pickup truck, a man and a skunk ape, they kill the shit out of the executives, and in the process Maybe skunk ape discovers the autopsied remains of his family.

Massacre of developers with skunk ape partnered with the farmer.

3: FulKillment Center OR SCAREhouse

Big fucking company has a shitty warehouse that kills people but they have to go in because they need to work. Everyone knows that the warehouse is killing people BUT they just keep going.

Absurdism. You think it is haunted or a portal or some shit, but In the end, the billionaire owner and his friends are actually just killing people as part of some bizarre power ritual.

Stef's Horror Movie Pitches

Idea #1: Final Girl Finale

Maybe this is a horror mystery?

We open in an alternative version of our current reality. Small towns in the U.S. are plagued by slasher-like killers every few months, and the U.S. government refuses to act. The communities these killers are impacting are expendable and the people in power refuse to give any credence to the possibility that something supernatural or supernatural-adjacent is going on.

The latest killer has just popped up in Niceville, FL. This killer is especially gruesome. They stalk their victims on the beaches of Niceville at night, where he inevitably catches them and drowns them before impaling them and propping their impaled bodies up by the nearest lifeguard stand for them to be found in the morning.

We’re 7 victims, 3 women and 4 men, all local residents. The killer hasn’t yet iced any tourists yet, which is probably part of the reason why no one cares. One very intrepid young deputy who frequents internet forums about the spate of slasher-like attacks tells the sergeant about a group called the Final Girls who have been traveling the country to defeat the killers that have been popping up in random places. Think Charlie’s Angels but way cooler.

The Girls arrive and begin their investigations. That night, the Niceville Nighthawk kills another person from town and the Girls are called out to the scene in the morning. When they get there, they’re completely confused by the fact that the killer leaves no trace of what he’s done anywhere except where the bodies are found. There’s no blood on the beach or anything, and the victim’s wounds seem to be created by common kitchen knives, nothing special. They go back to the police station to regroup. Like any other horror film, these police officers are generally fucking useless but they have a real attitude about it. They’re mad the sergeant called the Girls to come out because they wanted to “take care of this on their own.” They make everything significantly more difficult for the Girls.

At the end of the day, the Girls decide to retire to their rooms at the local hotel where they’re staying. The audience sees one of the Girls — maybe the one who’s good at psychological stuff goes first — get attacked in her room and the screen fades to black.

In the morning, they all meet in the diner next to the hotel except one of them is missing. They can’t seem to find her anywhere. Her room shows no sign of the struggle from the night before. They’re confused and try to reach her but they can’t focus on just that. They return to the police station to see what’s going on and if the police have found anything additional they can use for their investigation. As they’re looking through the evidence, they realize this is not like any other case they’ve taken on before. Is this person even a slasher? We don’t know. Everything seems off, tension is building.

They again retire to their rooms for the evening. This time, the audience is given a first person view of the person who attacked the first girl the night before. They’re watching the hotel, they watch the Girls all retire to their rooms. Then we see inside their windows. One of the Girls is on the phone trying to figure out what happened to their friend who’s been missing. Another one is just watching some TV. And the last one is already in bed sleeping. The attacker uses this as an opportunity to strike and once again, the screen fades to black.

The following day, the two remaining girls are a little freaked out but cannot find any evidence of foul play regarding the disappearances of their friends so they decide to let it go until after they’re done with the Nighthawk. The Nighthawk hasn’t attacked anyone for 2 days, which they’re considering a sign of the Nighthawk getting weaker. The sergeant says he’s found some evidence of where the Nighthawk might be hiding and gives it to the girls. When the girls deny his offer to have a police escort to the hideout, he fights them but then lets them go.

When they arrive, they’re again completely baffled by the place. It doesn’t show any of the signs of the hideouts of the previous slashers they’ve encountered. In fact, it looks like no one has been there in ages. But they press on investigating the grounds. As they go on, they notice that something is hunting them. And of course, we go through the sequence of them being hunted and eventually killed by what we think is the Nighthawk.

Plot twist: IT ISN’T. It was the fucking police!!! Did they set all this up just to get them here? WE DON’T KNOW.

Idea #2: Not Ness

Brother, I’m so sorry, but I had to do it. I had to make your worst nightmare come true.

We open on 2022 Loch Ness.

In this movie, Nessie is fucking REAL. And the people who live around Loch Ness are fucking terrified of her. Not only is she bigger than they expected when they first posited her existence but she’s also vicious and territorial as hell.

Having learned their lesson 100 years before, everyone is careful to stay away from the lake because they know Nessie will take their asses down. No one has gotten hurt in this time and everyone knows they shouldn’t be near the lake.

Suddenly, teenagers in the area begin disappearing. No one can figure out what the hell is going on. They theorize a lot of different things, including the possibilities of a serial killer, drugs, or a running away trend they’re all following. But none of those things are it, so they turn their attention to the lake. It must be Nessie, right?

Right. It IS Nessie. Kids are getting killed by Nessie, but why?


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